Alex Clarke

Alex Clarke MBE is the most successful manager ever to have graced the Bridgend Schools U11 league.

Unfortunately for Alex he has been unable to translate this success onto the Fantasy Football pitch. On one occasion he famously picked Gary Speed as his captain and failed to change the selection despite the Welsh international moving to the Championship and then retiring. Alex was mocked relentlessly by some of the crueller League Of... managers.

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Clarke famously became a figure of national hatred in late 2008 for his controversial comments during the tragic demise of Jade Goody. Some of what were previously Alex's dearest friends described the Porthcawlian as "Worse than Hitler, Josef Fritzl and Nasty Nick Bateman put together", even going so far as to say that he "...Should be force-fed liquid AIDS, through a funnel made of his own hollowed-out leg...". Such was the vitriol generated by his comments, in the crazed furore to respond (through the social networking site Facebook) the National Grid suffered the worst blackout since AndPud tried (dangerously unsuccessfully) to film 'Extreme Scuba Ironing: High Voltage Edition'.

Recently serialised in TV Quick Magazine, the public have been riveted by Clarke's fiendishly elaborate, and critically acclaimed "Thirty-Seven Step Plan to Literally Become Rubens Barrichello". After perfecting Murray Walker's distinctive accent and undergoing excruciating and extensive facial reconstruction (step seven), Alex at last made it into Silverstone's executive suite. Here, exactly as laid out in his devilishly cunning plan, he is alleged to have met and seduced the glamorous daughter of BBC commentator (and former Jordan race driver) Martin Brundle (step four). The world awaits the next thrilling phase: How will Clarke use this fledgling relationship to enter the F1 'inner circle', and ultimately secure that vital follicular sample - the key to his dastardly ploy?

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